A confessional interlude

i will get back to the Christian Fatalism series (I HAVE TO NOW as you will see if you read this!)  But i thought this was worth sharing too and i can see how the two are tied together, woven like cancerous tumors around a spine.  This is just raw, unedited journal entry from this morning.  Use it if it's helpful, toss it if your sins are different than mine.

2018 05 28,

“But you were not willing to go up, and you rebelled against the command of Yahweh your God.  And you grumbled in your tents, and you said, “Because of the hatred of Yahweh toward us he has brought us out from the land of Egypt to give us into the hand of the Amorites to destroy us.  Where can we go up?”

“Dorothy Sayers defines “sloth” as “the sin which believes in nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, interferes with nothing, enjoys nothing, loves nothing, hates nothing, finds purpose in nothing, lives for nothing, and only remains alive because there is nothing it would die for.”

Lazy people do not love life enough to work hard to enjoy more of it, and the don’t love people enough to work hard so they can—as the righteous can— give without sparing.”

…

“When we think of a lazy person, we think of someone who doesn’t start things.  But there is also a kind of person who is always making plans and always starting but never finishing any project.  They don’t stay at jobs long, and they always blame the job itself rather than their own lack of stick-to-it-iveness.  Either they lose interest because of a lack of inner passion for anything or they have failed to count the cost and so find themselves overwhelmed.”

Tim and Kathy Keller

Father, just when i thought i’d hit a foundational sin of mine with the cynicism you go and pull the cover back more and convict me, stab me with sloth.  Guilty!  i am guilty!  What more can i do!  How can i now change??  What does repentance look like?  Surrounded as i am by a rotting house i never finished, a broken family, sons which do not serve and love you, an ipad full of unfinished drawings, a laptop full of unfinished books, a blog with an unfinished series…!  i am my father’s son.  i am lazy!  i am sloth.  Lord have mercy on me a sinner!  No wonder i have longed for a cause!  No wonder i have longed for a purpose!  And yet Lord, i feel like you have stood in my way every time i did feel the fire to move, to act, to become!  Was i not ready?  Was i not true?  Was i just starting or trying to, another project that i would not finish?  

What can be done with me now?  Is there anything left?  The generation which cursed you in the desert and turned its back on you is still alive in me.  The generation which refused the good gifts you had for it and made excuses instead is alive and well in me.  How many more years must i languish?  Is there any Joshua or Caleb in me?  Or is there only some Moses, angry at myself, at my sin but sinning on top of it and not treating you as holy and therefore not worthy of your rest?

Am i still avoiding true repentance?