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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Pennslobovian Prophet Pulls Plug on Post


Thornhurst, Pa- Few people read it, fewer still will remember it but in the waning days of last summer, a blog written by the unremarkable hack known to some as Scruffy Mynxbane and to at least two pitiable children as "dad," promised special revelation. Indeed, in a post on prophecy that has proven to be less than prophetic, the writer threatened to reveal "What God is Still Telling Us?" As if his temerity was not subject to the safety belts of common sense nor even the DOT approved cranial protection of a good crash helmet, he even went so far as to hint, some say, declare, that the message to the world at large and at present was this, "Not much." Since that time fractions of fearful followers have sat at their computers with bated breath awaiting the promised revelation.
One month.
Another couple of weeks.
Is this some kind of sick joke? Did Scruffy Mynxbane think the world would move on and forget his bold prediction? Did something horrible befall the pathetic prophet? Secretly hoping for the latter, we came to this ramshackle hovel in the woods of eastern Pennslobovia to get the truth, straight from the horse's ass.
We arrived in late evening and after peeking in several windows, let ourselves in. The shower was running and having had that lawsuit before, we took a look around while we waited for a more appropriate time to do the interview. There were tools everywhere. A radio was playing a preacher from Chicago and there was an open laptop computer at a makeshift desk in the kitchen. Since it was already open, our lawyers assured us it wouldn't be illegal to peruse the open windows. As luck would have it, it was open to a new post that apparently Mr. Mynxbane had been writing before we arrived. There was a title and nothing else. The title read, "What God is still telling us?"
Exiting the bathroom in a stolen Motel 6 towel and some wool socks, the dripping blogger appeared surprised and indignant. After explaining our presence and snapping some incriminating photos he reluctantly agreed to answer some questions.

Knot Gnews: How long have you been blogging?
Wet guy in towel: Do i really have to do this?
KG: We'll ask the questions if you please. What makes you an authority on religion?
Wet g.i.t.: Who said i was an authority on anything?
KG: Who's interviewing who here, Mr. Mynxbane?
Wet g.i.t.: Well, i guess you are.
KG: That was rhetorical. Do you claim to have prophetic gifts?
Wet g.i.t.: No.
KG: Does God talk to you?
Wet g.i.t.: Well, sort o...
KG: Does He use words?
Wet g.i.t.: No.
KG: Have you ever done hallucinatory drugs?
Wet g.i.t.: i don't see how that...
KG: What's the capitol of Assyria?
Wet g.i.t.: Ninevah.
KG: Will Andy Reid still have a job this time next year?
Wet g.i.t.: Golly, i hope not.
KG: So you admit you wish ill on weight challenged football coaches?
Wet g.i.t.: Well, that's not really what i...
KG: How do you feel about Mitt Romney's acidic remarks in the recent Republican debate?
Wet g.i.t.: i dunno, what'd he say?
KG: Please stick to easily manipulated soundbites, Mr. Mynxbane. How many times a day do you brush your teeth?
Wet g.i.t.: Once.
KG: Are you aware that nine out of ten dentists suggest brushing after every meal?
Wet g.i.t.: Yes.
KG: Yet you still persist in this wantonly self destructive behavior?
Wet g.i.t.: I wouldn't say it's...
KG: Why haven't you written the blogpost entitled "What God is still telling us?" Mr. Mynxbane?
Wet g.i.t.: Oh, um, well, it's kind of embarrassing.
KG: We were hoping so.
Wet g.i.t.: Well, you see, i never actually wrote down the idea i had other than the title and um, i seem to have forgotten what i was going to write about.
KG: mmhmm.
Wet g.i.t.: yep.
KG: That's it?
Wet g.i.t.: Fraid so.
KG: Are you at this time or at any time in the near future considering a scandalous relationship with Monica Belucci?
Wet g.i.t.: Wow. i hadn't really considered it... um, i guess not. No, not really.

So there it is. The whole sad story in black and white. What was God trying to tell us? Was He trying to tell us anything or was it all in the head of a balding, hallucinating, self loathing, half-wit with a seething hatred of obese professional football coaches? The world may never know. But one thing's for certain: after waging words with this erratic oracle, we need to brush the taste out our mouths.

6 comments:

Katie said...

You crack me up! And is that a picture of you?!

scruffy said...

sigh. i'm afraid it is.

Katie said...

What ever happened? Here I thought I'd never be enlighted as to the actual appearance of your cranial features. ;-)

scruffy said...

Well, i've tried to shield folks from the horror but these things happen sometimes for the sake of comedy. Although, you've had recourse to more opportunity than you realize. There's a shot of me on the side of this here blog and the ol' facebook has more than one picture of me in it. i warn you though, it ain't pretty.

Katei said...

Ooh, that picture on the side is new-ish, I think? I read this blog through the RSS feeder, so I don't always see the cosmetic changes that happen, which might include photos. And obviously I haven't investigated in Facebook enough, but I don't really spend a lot of time there.

Katie said...

Oh my! Since we're investigating pictures, I clicked on the picture you've got in the "about me" section, and I realized it's a photo of a stuffed dog. Don't laugh, but all this time I thought it was a picture of your leg with a knee pad on. Um. Yes.