the Four Needs: Approval

All of the idols objectify others in our lives to some degree or another.  All of them use people to get what they need, but for Approval, getting what we need from other people IS the goal.  No other idol seems to directly feed off of other humans the way this one does.  And so the Eagle of the Spirit-Filled believer, noble and true is warped and twisted into the Vulture who feeds on the souls of men.  Vulture and Eagle are even the same word in the Bible usually translated as one or the other according to context.  

Approval and Power have fuzzy borders in many of our minds.  It’s hard to know where one ends and the other begins.  “There needs to be a fence here,” says everyone with a Control idol.  Hopefully this helps.  They began to take on a more distinct personality for me when i thought of them this way.  There are two mindsets to our sins, dominant and servile.  The dominant proud say in their deepest heart, a place so buried sounds in it do not reach the consciousness, there in the dark they whisper to themselves, “i am god!”  The dominant has either destroyed the Lord in his mind, denying His existence or he sees Him but thinks himself His equal or even His better.  The servile on the other hand, recognize they are not God, fear him but in their pride think they can justify themselves to Him.  The statement in their heart of hearts is, “i am good.”  Power desires godhood.  Power is Lucifer’s own path.  Approval would be content to just be worthy of God.  But both are positions of Pride.

‘Well, what’s wrong with that?’  You ask.  ‘Aren’t we all just seeking God’s approval?  ‘Well done, good and faithful servant?’’  Well, yeah, no… maybe?  Sort of?  No, no we don’t.  And here’s why.

We already have it.  

Jesus is the good and faithful servant.  Faith is believing, not only has his death taken the place of our death, but his good works, both past, present and future are ours as well!  We already are good and faithful servants!  In Christ!  So a healthy servant at this point isn’t seeking anything but to bring joy to the Father in thanksgiving!  Joy to his brothers and sisters, in praise!  Love seeks the good of the other, always!

Approval does not love.  Approval needs.  The flow is not outward, no matter how much good it does for anyone.  No matter how much work it does for the church.  No matter how much happiness it even brings to anyone.  Good deed, bad deed, all that it does for others, is ultimately only for Itself.  The flow is inward.  Incurvatus in se.  Approval wants to hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant,” yes.  But not because it loves God.  But because it hates Him and wants to deny His authority over it.  Because it fears His rejection, Approval sees its inferiority, sees its need and despises itself.  And then it despises the one who makes it feel small.  It knows it cannot be a god, or so it thinks, it may even praise itself for its humility in thinking so, but what it seeks is to not be under God’s power but to be free of it!  It wants to be the one being on this fallen world whom Jesus did not have to die for.  Do you see it?  Do you see how even in the church, this person whom so many will love for their “servant’s heart” can even set their sights upon Jesus himself’s approval and miss the Gospel entirely because they don’t want Him, the Way, the Truth and the Life, they want Him to think they are good enough as they are.

““Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter into the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and expel demons in your name, and perform many miracles in your name?’ And then I will say to them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Depart from me, you who practice lawlessness!’” Matt 7

No Rhoads Warrior

i have been encouraged to write again.  And i almost wish i wasn't.  It makes life nigh on unbearable for me.

Not because i don't want to write, quite the opposite actually.  i do.  i want to with all of my innerds and a few of my outterds too.  i love writing and to make matters worse, i'm being urged to write a devotional which is a bit like inviting heroin into your life.  It feels good but several months from now i suspect my life will bear a strange resemblance to much of Syria.

i don't say that flippantly.  i've tried it before.  Devotion writing, not heroin.  i was, as you can read in the archives of this very blog and my Rabbit Trails one as well, full on into the expedition, with gunboys, porters, elephants and two particularly stout and careful fellows bearing my Ming dynasty bone china tea set.  One need not be uncivilised about such things.  But like the Brits with their empire, after the war, i had to give it up.  And for much the same reasons.

i had become an insufferable twat.

Here's the thing and it's taken me some time to recognize this about myself.  Or i recognized it long ago but oddly, my ego wouldn't allow me to speak the words.  i suspect i'm great.  i do not say i am fully convinced of this for i spend much of my time lamenting not being great.  Much of my depression seems to me now to come from not living up to my suspected potential, a word and phrase i heard growing up about as often as, "Wash your hands before dinner." or "Be nice to your brother, you know he looks up to you." or "Quit picking your nose!"  "He doesn't work up to his potential," they'd say.  "He has so much potential, this is disappointing."  "If you would only try, you have so much potential!"  Apparently, other people thought i was more than i was trying to be.

Which brought on two counter cravings.  The desire to be praised and recognized for the things i did, to be as great as they said i was and the equally emphatic desire to be ignored, to be left alone to do what i felt like doing rather than trying to "live up to my potential."  It was like i had to compete not with someone else, but with an imaginary better version of me.  A version, i was fairly certain, i did not recognize.  Though i fantasized about him a lot.  Eventually i decided i couldn't be him so why try.  i set my sights at achievable goals, OSHA approved industry minimums and bowed out.  Slowly, sadly the disappointed shook their heads and went away.

And you would think that would be the end of it.  Or you might not.  You're probably savvy enough to know that the worst voice of judment this side of the Great White Throne is in our own heads.  There's no where to hide from that voice.  No where to run.  And so as not to go into a narcissistic navel novel; yada yada, he grew up, struggles with angst common to man, listened to the voices, tried to live up to the potential once, failed, wrecked his marriage, his finances, his family and became a shell of a man, a burnt-out desolate man, a man who wandered out into the wasteland.

And now here they come again.  Worming their way into the black matter of my brain.  Should i take the bait my soul craves so mightily?  Have i become wise enough to handle the power or will the shame this time be mine?  Is the Cross enough?  Will i here, in this blighted place, learn to live again?

Whuchoo talkin' 'bout, Aunt Linda?

"What a great life you have!!! You keep us all smiling!!!"

This is a quote via Facebook from my Aunt Linda. It made me make that snorting sound you do when you try to laugh at a moment of surprise. Intake and exhalation hit each other in the ol' windpipe and create friction that explodes out the sinuses. An internal thunderstorm of the nose i suppose.

Now i could go one of two directions with this quote. The first would be to point out how the faceless quality of the interwebs allows us to more completely brick up a false front to our true selves. That is, i'm afraid, how i responded immediately on the thread. It's a quick, thoughtless, knee jerk reaction, not without a grain of truth but like a clam strip, it's mostly fat-soaked breading.

For everything meine Tante said was true. Folk really do seem to get a kick out of my blither. i don't claim to understand it but i'd be a liar to pretend to ignore it. What's more, aside from getting people to think a little, mostly about their relationship with God, making them smile is a genuine goal of mine. So gimme the flightsuit and the banner so i can thumbs-up to a big "Mission Accomplished!" Meanwhile, the war goes on.

It's the first part of the quote that shocked me really. Anyone who's subjected themselves to the horror of this blog could attest, just prior to plucking their own eyes out, that i am generally a miserable wretch. Take this random comment from a fellow named Tige:

"Hey there. Came by your post accidentally. Your writing is funny. That's great. You are also a moper. Not so great. "

See, you don't even have to be a follower.

"What a great life you have!!!" Three exclamation points seem to put it over the top but no, it's that true! Aunt Linda is absolutely correct. And what's more, it's true for all of us. God gave us these lives and they are good. That's not to say that the circumstances are always fun or easy or pleasing or even generally-amusing-if-you-squint-at-it-just-right, but that's not what "good" means. i don't actually know what good means but i know it's got more in common with "beautiful" and "loved" than "happy." Circumstances are weather. They are the seas in which we sail, but they have no bearing on whether or not the ship is good. The ship is good! The sea is good. The weather, may suck today and be ideal tomorrow but the sailing is good.

Now, why did the same guy who made the ship, make the weather suck so often? Ahhhh. There's the rub, eh? i have no idea. No, that's not true, i have ideas but lack the hubris to spout them. But i will hint them, i have arrogance enough for that. i don't think i ever learned anything insightful, significant or life changing; i don't believe that the person i am and the person i am becoming would be if my life were smooth sailing through breezy, sunny, summer days. i don't think i would have learned to trust, believe and depend on my savior if i never knew i needed saving. i don't think i would have ever lived if i hadn't shot the rapids and wondered if i was going to die. Our God is a God of resurrection, that's how He works. He brings about new life through death...

...but you gotta die first.